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November 2005
8 November
First of all, big happy 3rd birthday to my little puppy. Even though she can't use the net... because she's a dog. BIG UPS TO FINN.
Ain't she cute?
I have found a flat. Yay. I have not actually met my flatmates yet (of which there will be 4) but my room is ENORMOUS and it's right in the middle of Brooklyn... well, right around the corner from the middle. So come over! Have some tea! I'll be moving in on the 20th.
Bahahahha.
5 November
Ok. An update for my loyal following of... people who have accidentally stumbled upon my site via google image searches... *Sigh*.
I'm currently looking for a flat. And some friends.
I was living with someone who I thought was my closest friend in Brooklyn. Said friend has a disgusting sleazy boyfriend. Said boyfriend thought it was funny to pin me down and hump me... to pull his pants down and sit his bare arse on me... to put things down his pants and then throw them in my face. You know, really high brow stuff. A real thinking womans' man.
Needless to say this was less than impressive to me. Infact it fucking repulsed me and the more it happened, the more I grew to hate this person.
A couple of weekends ago we went to see Connan and the Mockasins and Seven Suns play at Indigo. Supposed friend's would-be-rapist boyfriend decided to turn up. I'm not sure what it was that he was trying to prove... either he was trying to drive me out of the flat or he is just a truly socially stunted person, but he sat there next to me on the couch and poked me in the side. Constantly. For about 20 minutes. All the while I'm hitting him, telling him to fuck off... I even moved so quickly to stop the barrage that I knocked a bunch of stuff off the couch onto the floor when my leg kicked out at him. And still he persisted.
By this stage... it being a Friday night and me having spent the day working (or... sitting in an office) I didn't exactly have a lot of patience for this kind of shit. And the fact that even though he could plainly see that I was getting worked up he continued to do it. Infact, in the car on the way home he had another go, but this time his pokes were lower and more centralised if you get my drift. I had to move my bag into my lap to block access.
We got home and I raced to unlock the front door to get away from him. Into the bathroom I went to wash my face and brush my teeth. By this point it's about 1.30am, I'm fucking exhausted and feeling less than thrilled that once again, he was going to be staying there the night. As I stood next to the bathroom sink I hear him outside the bathroom door... "Who is in there?" he asks. He's told that it's me. "I was hoping you'd say that..." He banged on the door and asked if I was "doing a poo". I replied that I was so he wouldn't come in. The door opened anyway. He put his arms around me from behind and I told him to let me go. "Don't you like cuddles?" he whined. "NO. Let me go." "Cuddles are good." "No, cuddles are bad. Let me go please." He eventually let go and left the room, but not before hitting me on the arse. I slammed the door shut again and hurried to finish up so I could get to bed and finally end the night.
In my room with my door shut I was standing still fully clothed next to my bed moving pillows around and he bangs on my bedroom door.... "Lisa, are you naked?" What kind of idiot wouldn't have gotten the message by now you may ask? I'll tell you what kind. The kind who when you reply "Yes I am" comes in anyway. "Hey, you're not naked." "Why did you come in??" He just smirked and pushed me face down onto my bed and lay on top of me. I was feeling so defeated. I'd been thinking that his behaviour was going to force me out but i was determined not to let him win. But I just had no energy to fight him off. I told him to get off me and he ignored me. I asked him again to get the fuck out of my room and he got off me and smacked my arse again. I leapt up and stood by the door while he settled down half naked in my bed. I called to my flatmate/supposed friend to get him out of my room and she ignored me. I pleaded with her to come and get him and I heard her call out "Leave Lisa alone, she's tired. You can annoy her tomorrow." He smirked at me from my bed and got up and left. With that I slammed the door shut, but not before fiddling with the lock. I slept in a locked bedroom for the first time in my 25 years on this planet. But not before I burst into tears and lay there crying, feeling so helpless and belittled. At 2am I didn't know what to do. I wanted to just leave but I couldn't... so I called my friend in Canada and bawled my eyes out to him.
The next morning thankfully he was gone. Stupidly I didn't say anything. She knew that he was bugging me but I thought if I bring it up it'll just erupt into a fight. I figured he knew full well that I was pissed off about his behaviour and my only option if I wanted to stay in the flat was to keep away from him. So for the rest of the long weekend I avoided being at home if he was there.
Unfortunately on the Monday night I got home from my parents house and his car was in the driveway. Sigh. I went inside and went straight to my room. My flatmate came in and looked at the stuff I'd bought and he walked past the room and said hi to me. I said hi back. Flatmate/Supposed friend told me to say hello nicely. I said no. He stormed out and she followed him. She came back and asked me why I was ignoring him (I am not entirely sure about this but isn't saying hi to someone generally considered acknowledging them??). So I laid it all out for her. I told her that his behaviour that Friday night was unacceptable. I said that if I tell him to leave me alone then it's not up for negotiation. He HAS to leave me alone. She bleated that he'd never hurt me and he thought I liked it (it must have been when I hit him and told him to fuck off that he assumed I liked it... what kind of relationship must they have?). I told her the reaction I had to his behaviour and harrassment and she looked at me blankly. I went into my room and watched DVDs alone, declining their invitation to watch Batman Returns.
The next morning F/SF left for work without even a good morning to me. The cold shoulder happened for a couple of days but then things seemed ok. I tried to make small talk with the would-be-rapist but he cold shouldered me too so I thought, he's not fucking worth it anyway. I just decided the way I was going to deal with this was to remove myself from his presence. When he was around, I tried not to be. I think that is reasonable, especially considering no one was in any doubt as to why this was. Unfortunately the last week I lived there he was there EVERY SINGLE NIGHT. I ask you, given the situation, was this a nice thing for my flatmate to do? I wasn't rude to him. I didn't ignore him. I just didn't hang out with them. Last Friday night F/SF and I were home together sans creepy-bastard-would-be-rapist. And we had a really good night. The way it should have been. Comfortable and relaxed. By the time he rolled up, drunk, at 2am I was about ready to drop off to sleep on the couch so as the final movie's credits rolled I bid them goodnight and went to bed.
The next morning F/SF came into my room and told me that I had to start being nicer to him because I was making them uncomfortable. She then went on to acknowledge that I had tried to talk to him but "he won't even come near you now and can you blame him?" What the fuck now?! He shouldn't have been coming near me in that way in the first bloody place!! I said that I say hello when I see him but in no way am I going to seek him out to chat with. She said "Fine, but I don't think he's done anything wrong anyway" and walked out of my room.
I was stunned. This person, my best friend since I was 19. Close friend since I was 6th form. She told me that her boyfriend pawing me and pinning me down and simulating rape until I was in tears... hadn't done anything wrong.
Before I shut the door to my room to contemplate what I was going to do I yelled that I found that disturbing. I sat on my bed and stared out the window. At this moment I knew I couldn't stay living there. I got in contact with my parents to let them know I would need a place to stay until I could find a new flat. At this point I hadn't told them what was going on because I didn't want them to worry. That's not the nicest thing to hear is happening to your daughter and I thought I could handle it.
F/SF banged on my door and demanded to know what I was doing. I said nothing. She asked what was wrong. I told her she knew full well what was wrong and of course, being the emotional trainwreck that I am I burst into tears. I know that I'm not good at confrontation so I told her to leave me alone. She waffled on for a while about having to talk about it but I knew that if she came in all I'd be able to do would be cry and possibly say something I'd regret so I asked that she just leave me alone. Much like her stupid boyfriend she didn't accept this and asked what I was going to do. I said I was going to move out and she stormed out of the flat, screaming "You're so fucking immature!!!". Coming from someone who thinks it's acceptable for someone to sit their bare arse on someone else as punishment for not looking at their bare arse... that was pretty rich. So I grabbed all my work clothes and as much as I could carry and headed to my parents' house.
A week later and our mutual friends are checking up on how she is, at the same time telling me they don't want to hear my side.
So, to summarise, I'm now homeless and essentially FRIENDLESS because some little impotent bastard refused to respect my request to simply be left alone.
If you know of anyone with a room going in a flat close to town I'd be most appreciative. Flathunting is depressing enough at the best of times without the whole backstory to go with why you'd doing it.
Additionally, I need some friends. If you have any spares... let me know. Because apparently I'm the bad guy! Am I crazy? She tells me I over-reacted. What do you people think?
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