(written: 29 September 2003)
It's a toss up between... writing about the evils of KFC, or listing my top five episodes of Cheers.
Hmmm.
How about NEITHER?
Instead I'm going to take you on a magical spiritual journey. Well not really. I'm going to give you lucky pigeons, a LIST. Yes. A LIST. A list of my faaaaavourite albums. Listalicious. Well... at least I was, until I realised I didn't know what they were, and if I went about listing and talking about them I'd only later remember something else and then I'd be all pissed off with myself and oh look. The doorbell. Look!
...
That's the thing with these lists we keep making. How reliable is your memory REALLY? I mean, really! Each time I see a band play, I'll almost always claim it to be the "BEST SHOW EVER!" when in the harsh light of day, it wasn't. Infact it could well have sucked. Case in point: Soundgarden. Wellington Town Hall, January 16, 1997. The first and only time I'd seen Soundgarden play was roughly 4 months before they decided to call it a day. Do you know how uninspiring a band can be when they're verging on breaking up after 13 years together?
Very.
Red Hot Chili Peppers, March 4 (I think), 1996. Queens Wharf has never been rocked less. For a band who now charges something like 130 bucks for a concert ticket, they've really got a lot to learn about how to play to an audience. Looking pissed off and going through the motions juuuust doesn't cut it.
I feel qualified to say this now. I've been to a fair few gigs in my time, ya know. For someone who isn't that old and couldn't drive for a lot of her concert going time (taxis... pricey!) I've seen my fair share.
Some of the best, most memorable gigs were unique experiences (such as the one that which made it to the top of my best gig list a couple of weeks ago), or cheap but fun (any gig by Lucid 3, Cassette, Fur Patrol or Betchadupa).
So now for what you've all been waiting for!
Worst 5 Talk-Shows!
Ricki Lake
This show is Ghetto. GHETTO. It's so "racey" that they take it off the air here when it's school holiday time. Never mind that they leave Springer... Ricki Lake always seems so uncomfortable and giggley, and who can forget her memorable role in Hairspray opposite Divine? Not me, therefore I can't even begin to take her seriously. As for the topics, I think South Park hit the nail on the head. Whatever. I'll do what I want.
Oprah
Oprah used to have her shit going on. She interviewed celebrities... like the New Kids on the Block (both at the height of their fame and the depths of their despair) and Hanson! She even put Ricky Martin on the air wearing a pale blue sweater with nice dark pit-stains. She took her guests interesting places and she hit the nail on the head often with her harder hitting topics. Then she met Dr. Phil. All of a sudden it's all about self discovery and spirits and stuff that I don't think you can deal with by watching TV. But she's richer than ... GOD, so... what would I know?
Sally-Jesse
"I'm a victim of a Sally makeover!"
The makeovers. They'll turn perfectly lovely looking people into Martha Stewart. I don't care how "smart" it looks, no 13 year old boy (or girl for that matter) wants to knot their sweater casually around their shoulders. And what's up with dying everyone's hair red? Trying to take over the WORLD Sally? I think so. As for the rest, she always seemed (to me) to be one step behind everyone else, interviewing sloppy seconds. Then we could have just had delayed coverage moreso... but still.
Ananda Lewis
She makes this list for showing a girl drink about a litre of melted butter. I nearly vomited. Seriously. And she sits all up in the crowd hanging with the kids like she's DOWN with them... and I've actually never watched it save for the butter thing, but she did interview N'Sync which is inexcusable. (I LOVE YOU JUSTIN! CALL ME!)
The Other Half
The absolute worst of the worst. What kind of crackhead would knowingly give Danny Bonaduce airtime? And Slater from Saved by the Bell?!? AND DICK CLARK!? I don't know who that other dude is so he gets off without mockery. It's a ... male led talk show, about males, and the entire audience is made up of females... and the males are all fruity bastards... and one of them is Danny Bonaduce who really should have spent the rest of his days checked into rehab... It really has no redeeming feature. That's why I'm giving it the official, first annual "Suckiest suckfest on TV" award!
Oh yes.
Stay tuned for more hilarity when Danny Bonaduce hosts Ratpony next week...